The Random Factor: Warriors Edition
by LenzieKat
Summary: Join The Random Factor with your host, Spark! Funny stuff will be uploaded for your own enjoyment! Rated T just in case. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows. Please send in your Random Request so we can torture your favorite kitties!
1. Dustpelt

**I own nothing.**

Sparklepelt: Hi everyone! (pushes kittypet magazine away) Welcome to the Random Factor: Warriors edition! And _no_, I am not a kittypet, nor do I think about becoming a kittypet. (shuts magazine which was on page 22—How Would YOU Like To Wear A Collar?)

Random Dog: Oh boy! I get to be on The Random Factor!

Sparklepelt: …*grr* Okay, just a minute everyone. (Sparklepelt tears apart dog behind tree)

Dog: Wah! (Runs off)

Sparklepelt: Heh, heh. Sorry about that. Anyway, you can just call me Spark.

Unidentified cat from nearby: Go Spark!

Spark: (rolls eyes) And here's my mouse-brained apprentice helper, Foxpaw!

Foxpaw: (who just fell out of the sky) I prefer the term _co-host_.

Spark: (narrows eyes) You'll take what I give you.

Foxpaw: But—

Spark: (presses The Random Button of Torture—or RBT—which sends Foxpaw flying up, then falling down, getting hit by Jayfeather's stick, and landing in some crowfood)

Foxpaw: Yuck!

Spark: (sweetly) Did I hurt you?

Foxpaw: (in toneless, robot voice) I am your apprentice.

Spark: (evilly thinking, MWAHAHA!) Thank you, Foxpaw. (makes mental note to kidnap Lionblaze and force him to be on the show)

Foxpaw: Now, let us bring out the Box de Randomness!

Random Cat From RandomClan: Here you, go, Spark. Are you _sure_ you don't want to go out with me—

Spark: Yup. (presses the RBT which sends Random Cat flying through the sky and landing a million miles away)

Foxpaw: Would you like to do the honors, Spark?

Spark: Duh. (draws out a slip of paper from Random Box) And the unlucky cat for today is…*drumroll*…Dustpelt!

Foxpaw: Awesome, that's my dad!

Spark: Dustpelt is going to have to…*gasp*…make out with Foxpaw in front of Ferncloud!

Foxpaw: (faints)

Spark: (slaps him) Ferncloud! Dustpelt!

Ferncloud and Dustpelt: No! You can't make us come out! Not even if Tigerstar—

Tigerstar: Hello, Fernie!

Ferncloud: AUGH! (jumps into the open, dragging Dustpelt with her)

Audience That Had Been Invisible Until Now: Hahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha! They're wearing bunny costumes!

Spark: (hiding laugh) Sorry, guys, it's part of the Randomness! *laugh, cough, laugh* And for my own personal enjoyment!

Dustpelt: You're a meanie!

Spark: Thank you. Now, I must put _The Random Sp_—Foxpaw, where's the scary music?

Foxpaw: Oh, sorry. (turns on CD, which plays a _Dun DUN DUNNNN_.

Spark: Okay. I will put _The Random Spell of Randomness _on you. It makes you do any random thing I command! (sprinkles sparkly powder all over them)

Dustpelt: How is this going to make me do anything?

Spark: It won't. _He_ will. (presses button which makes Jayfeather in his Random Mood appear)

Jayfeather: Hahaha! I love CHEESE! Ha! PIE! FOX DUNG!

Dustpelt and Ferncloud: Okay, we'll do it!

Spark: (grins) Sweet. Okay, Dustpelt, do your stuff. But first—(makes a giant spotlight shine on Dustpelt so every cat in all the Clans can see him)

Dustpelt: *gulp* I love you, Foxpaw. (makes out with him)

Clans: Eww!

Blackstar: Can I have a turn? (this is followed by a violent scuffling where ShadowClan tears him apart)

Raggedstar: Blackstar, come with me. (Blackstar and Raggedstar go up to StarClan)

Russetfur: Yay! I'm leader now!

Spark: Okay…Oh! Look at Dustpelt!

Ferncloud: Get away from my son! (kills her mate)

Spark: Um…we're going to end the show a little early…(ducks as a dust-colored limb flys past her head) Please let me know who you would like to co-host with me next time, and which cat to torture—I mean, annoy! See you guys later! (Runs away before she gets killed)


	2. Hollyleaf

**I do not own Warriors, or Hannah Montana. Or Meow Mix.**

Spark: HI! HI! KETCHUP! RANDOMNESS! Sorry, I had a big bar of chocolate! Now I am hyper! HAHAHAHA! (calms down) Okay, Foxpaw couldn't be here tonight—

*far away, a reddish cat struggles against thick ropes*

Spark: —So my co-host today will be Jayfeather!

Jayfeather: Half Moon! Rock! Come back—wait, where am I?

Spark: You, you lucky cat, are on The Random Factor, but only if you want to be!

Jayfeather: (politely) No thanks, I have to gather some catmint for Leafpool.

Spark: NO! YOU HAVE TO BE ON THE RANDOM FACTOR! (grows huge, fire comes out of eyes)

Jayfeather: Actually, I think I'll stay here. *gulp*

Spark: (innocently) Are you sure?

Jayfeather: Yes! (thinking NO)

Spark: Then we'll start the show! Jayfeather, bring out the Box de Randomness! *drumroll*

Jayfeather: Would you like to do the honors?

Spark: I always do. (draws out a piece of paper) And this Random Request is from Half Moon! Hollyleaf, get out here!

Hollyleaf: Never ignore a kit in danger, always mark your borders, warriors reject the soft life of a kittypet…

Spark: Hollyleaf, do you know what this is? (holds up a copy of the warrior code)

Hollyleaf: (bows and kisses the ground) It is the sacred warrior code! Hail to the code!

Spark: (evilly grins) And do you know what this is? (holds up a machine gun)

Hollyleaf: (worshiping the code) Yes. A machine gun.

Jayfeather: I have a sister that was born an idiot.

Spark: MWAHAHAHA! (takes code from Hollyleaf and pins it to the ground)

Hollyleaf: No! Give it back!

Spark: (pulls trigger, gun blows up the warrior code)

Hollyleaf: NOOOO! You have destroyed it! Now we will all be rogues!

Firestar: I am a rogue!

Hollyleaf: No! (kills herself)

Spark: Well, that was weird. Time for another Random Request! (draws out another slip of paper) Wow! This is weird! It's from StarNight888. I need a Twoleg and a kittypet! (presses the RBT which makes Hollyleaf reappear)

Hollyleaf: Now you're breaking the code even more!

Spark: (rolls eyes and presses the RBT, which makes a teenage Twoleg and her kittypet fall out of the sky)

Twoleg: (in Twoleg speak) _Kitty! I want the kitty with the machine gun!_

Spark: (throws machine gun behind tree) Hi, guys.

Kittypet: I have a pretty collar. Look at the bells!

Twoleg: _Kitty kitty kitty kitty will be mine!_

Spark: (sighs, picks up gun, and shoots it in the air, scaring the Twoleg) Now, Hollyleaf, you are going to switch places with this kittypet and live in its place for a moon. If you don't, the punishment is for you to listen to Berrynose talk about how great he is for three moons. Got it?

Hollyleaf: *grr* Fine. (Hollyleaf steals the kittypet's collar and goes with the Twoleg)

* * *

Spark: Okay, now we have to wait for a moon to go by, and since my Time Button doesn't go that fast, here's a commercial.

Spottedleaf: (in a falsely cheerful voice) Do you feel like your mate is cheating on you in his dreams?

Sandstorm: (in the same type of voice) I sure do!

Spottedleaf: Do you want him to stop and pay attention to you instead?

Sandstorm: Yeah!

Spottedleaf: Then you need the FirestarFixer2000! It magically reforms your mate and makes him unbelievably hot!

Sandstorm: Wow! I have to get that! (picture of Firestar and Sandstorm in an embrace)

Spark: I hope you enjoyed that! (hides a bottle of FirestarFixer in her camera bag)

***

Spark: Okay, one moon has gone by, and Hollyleaf is back!

Hollyleaf: (now very fat) I want my ear scratched!

Jayfeather: Wow, I liked the old Hollyleaf better.

Spark: (mouth open) Um…Hollyleaf, what is this? (holds up a tape-covered, repaired copy of the warrior code)

Hollyleaf: I don't know! I want some more Meow Mix!

Spark: (sighs, and presses the RBT, which makes Hollyleaf turn back into a warrior)

Hollyleaf: The warrior code! (bows)

Spark: Oh, just go back to ThunderClan. But, before you do…(opens a huge curtain that reveals all the Clans, and puts a spotlight on Hollyleaf) Now, sing a Hannah Montana song!

Hollyleaf: *cry* Okay. _You get the limo out front…ooh ooh ooh…hottest styles every shoe every color…yeah when you're famous it can be kinda fun…it's really you but no one ever discovers…_

Mistyfoot: (covering ears) NO! MAKE IT STOP!

Spark: (watching as Hollyleaf is torn to shreds) Okay, that's the end of today's show! Don't forget to send in reviews! (presses RBT which brings Hollyleaf back to life) Oops, Dustpelt is still dead. (brings Dustpelt back to life) Good-bye!


	3. Help Spark

**I own nothing!**

Spark: Hi. I am angry because I do not have any reviews giving me Random Requests. I am going to take out my anger on Breezepaw.

Breezepaw: *gulp*

Spark: (tears Breezepaw apart) SEND IN REVIEWS! MY CREATOR IS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE BREEZEPAW?!

**Send in your reviews. Everytime you decide not to, Spark kills a kit.**

**Please, think of the kits.**

Spark: Seriously, all you have to do is give me a Request and a cat. (tears apart Toadkit)

SEND IN REVIEWS!


	4. Ashfur

**I own nothing**

Spark: Hi, this is The Random Factor! Recently, I haven't been getting enough reviews for Random Requests…so this will be kind of short.

Audience: Darn!

Spark: Sorry. Today my co-host is… (frowns) wait; no one gave me anyone to co-host with! *sigh* (presses RBT, which makes a StarClan cat fall out of the sky)

StarClan Cat: Where am I?

Spark: You're on The Random Factor! What is your name?

StarClan Cat: Yellowfang! Now leave me alone, you snooping kit!

Spark: Yellowfang, you are the only cat who could say that to me and get away without ending up like Breezepaw. (smiles in respect)

Yellowfang: You act like Firestar! Oh, I miss Firestar…

Spark: Good-bye, Yellowfang. (sends Yellowfang back to StarClan and brings back Breezepaw)

Breezepaw: Yay! I'm alive! (break dances in the middle of the forest for two minutes)

Spark: Anyway… (smiles, and joins Breezepaw in break dancing)

Breezepaw: Here is the Box de Randomness! Spark, would you like to do the honors?

Spark: Quit asking me that! The answer will always be yes! (draws out a slip of paper) And the unlucky cat for today is…*drumroll*…Ashfur! (presses RBT and Ashfur falls out of the sky)

Ashfur: I hate you Squirrelflight! Oh, hello, Spark. (hides his SQUIRRELFLIGHT IS EVIL T-shirt)

Spark: You have a dare!

Ashfur: Oh, great.

Spark: Yeah, that's right! It is great!

Breezepaw: (randomly) I hate elephants and corn dogs.

Spark: Okay…You have to go up to Graystripe and…(consults card again) Wow. (whispers in Ashfur's ear)

Ashfur: I'm not doing that!

Spark: Fine, then die.

Ashfur: I'm already dead.

Spark: Then you have to do the dare. (shines spotlight on Ashfur, all the Clans watch)

Ashfur: *wince* Okay. (goes up to Graystripe) Hello, Gaystripe.

Graystripe: What did you just call me?

Ashfur: *gulps* Gay Stripe.

Graystripe: (screeches and jumps at Ashfur with claws out and rips him to shreds)

Spark: Cool.

Audiuence: (Munches popcorn) Ooh, ah.

Breezepaw: (rolls eyes disgustedly and goes back to WindClan)

Spark: This last dare is for…me. I have to…*gulp* sing.

Audience: HAHAHA!

Spark: (jumps into the open) _Bob the builder! Can we fix it? Bob the builder! YES WE CAN!_

Onestar: NO! IT IS KILLING MY EARS! (drags Spark off stage)

Random Cat: Okay, that's the show for today! Now if you'll excuse me, I must go save Spark. Remember to review or there will be no more kits!


	5. Blackstar

**I own nothing.**

Spark: Hi, guys! This is The Random Factor! Again…YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SENDING IN YOUR REVIEWS! Sorry, Rosekit. (tears apart Rosekit) So I don't have anyone to co-host with except…Foxpaw. (presses RBT and Foxpaw hurtles out of the sky)

Foxpaw: Hooray! I'm back! Spark, did you know someone kidnapped me and tied me up so I couldn't be on the show? (looks astonished)

Spark: (fake surprise) Really? (hides kidnapping contract behind back)

Foxpaw: (confused) Yeah, who would do something like that?

Spark: Um…how about Brambleclaw? (presses RBT and Brambleclaw appears)

Brambleclaw: (dazed) Where am I?

Spark: Get him, Foxpaw, before he kidnaps you again!

Foxpaw: (leaps at Brambleclaw with claws out)

Brambleclaw: AUGH! (violent scene where Foxpaw tears Brambleclaw apart)

Spark: Um…Foxpaw? I think he's learned his lesson.

Foxpaw: (releases Brambleclaw) Fine.

Brambleclaw: (still alive) What happened?

Spark: (sends Brambleclaw away) Okay, Foxpaw, let's start the show!

Foxpaw: (brings out the Box) Presenting the Box de Randomness! Spark, would you like to—

Spark: YES! (draws out a Random Request) Okay, this Request is one I had to make up, because YOU HAVEN"T BEEN REVIEWING! So, I get to torture—I mean, _trick _anyone I want. So the victim today is…*drumroll* Blackstar! (presses RBT and Blackstar flies over from ShadowClan)

Blackstar: It's a HalfClan cat!

Spark: For your information, I do not belong to the HalfCl—I mean, ThunderClan. I am a RiverClan cat!

Blackstar: Oh. (shrugs) Never mind.

Foxpaw: I'm a ThunderClan cat!

Blackstar: I HATE THUNDERCLAN!

Spark: (rolls eyes) Okay Blackstar, your Random Request is…(leans forward and whispers in Blackstar's ear)

Blackstar: I'm not doing that!

Spark: Then jump off the Sky Oak.

Blackstar: (jumps off Sky Oak) AUGHHHHHHH! (lands with thud)

Spark: Wow, he is such an idiot.

Foxpaw: You got that right.

Spark: Oi! Littlecloud! We got a retarded—I mean, a _hurt_ cat here! (presses RBT)

Littlecloud: Oh no! Blackstar! Spark, what happened?

Spark: (thinking wildly) He jumped! He just jumped, and I couldn't stop him! He's crazy!

Foxpaw: (confused) No he didn't. You—

Spark: And Foxpaw is crazy too! They would have made me jump off the Sky Oak if you hadn't come along!

Blackstar: (lifts head up weakly) She told me to…

Littlecloud: I do not understand any of this, but I think you're _all_ crazy! (leaves)

Spark: (sighs with relief) Okay, that's it for tonight.

***

Random StarClan Cat of Counseling: Hello, Spark, what brings you here today?

Spark: (crying) No one is sending in any Random Requests, so I have sunk into a deep, kit-killing depression!

Cat: And how do you _feel_ about that?

Spark: (bawling) It hurts my feelings! It's like no one cares! (blows nose in tissue)

Cat: So do you think you should be taking your anger out on innocent cats?

Spark: (wrings Sedgekit's neck) Well, I can always bring them back with my Random Button. *sniffs*

Cat: (consults clipboard and adjusts glasses) I see…Well, here is a doll you can use instead of a helpless kit. (gives Spark a cloth doll with a stretchy neck)

Spark: (pulls doll's head off) SEND IN YOUR REVIEWS!

***

**Remember, I own nothing. And please send in your reviews. PLEASE!**

**All you have to do is tell me which cat you would like me to co-host with, which cat to torture, and give m a Random Request.**


	6. Onestar and Firestar

**I own almost nothing. The only character I own is Spark. Enjoy!**

Spark: (chewing mouse) Oh, hewwo evwe buddy! (swallows with difficulty) I am a very happy cat, because someone finally sent in a review! (break dances for five minutes and sings "I've Got the Power")

Random Cat: Spark, you sing awesomely!

Spark: I know. Anyway, Foxpaw is at the bottom of the ocean for some reason, (hides submarine receipt in a tree) so my co-host today is one of my reviewers, (consults paper) Leopardclaw!

Audience: Woo-hoo! Yay! Go Leopardclaw!

Spark: (presses RBT and Leopardclaw—a golden she-cat with black spots—falls out of the sky and lands on a rock)

Leopardclaw: (rubs bump on head) Ow.

Spark: You'll get used to it. Anyway, welcome to The Random Factor!

Leopardclaw: I feel welcome. I like pizza.

Spark: Yay, you passed the test!

Leopardclaw: What test?

Spark: The test of Randomness! Cake!

Leopardclaw: Um…good…I hope.

Spark: (taps foot impatiently and checks an imaginary watch) Well?

Leopardclaw: Oh, right! Here is the Box de Randomness! (brings out the box) Would you like to do the honors, Spark?

Spark: Of course. (draws out a slip of paper) And this Random Request is from **Harry Potter 101**! I need Firestar and Onestar! (presses RBT and two cats hurtle out of the sky)

Firestar: WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!

Onestar: Firestar, you're such a baby!

Firestar: I'm a better leader than you!

Spark: SHUT UP! Okay, you guys have received a Request!

Firestar: No thanks.

Spark: Fine, then you must go through all the pain of receiving each of your painful lives for two moons without ever stopping.

Onestar: NO! I DON'T WANNA!

Firestar: (gulping) All right, we'll do this—this Random Request. (looks scared) Wait, what is it?

Spark: (grinning) Leopardclaw, tell them what their Request is.

Leopardclaw: Firestar, you and Onestar must be in a gay relationship and have kits. 

Firestar: Yes, finally! I mean, ew, yuck. (does a happy dance inside)

Onestar: As long as I don't have to get my 'courage' life again. (shudders) That was painful. And I'm not having the kits.

Firestar: Maybe Spottedkit and Sandkit for the girls, and Rockkit and Tallkit for the boys…

Spark: Um, Firestar?

Leopardclaw: How about we go back to the camp with them?

Spark: (nods, and presses the RBT and they all appear in the ThunderClan camp)

Sandstorm: (comes up) Hey, Firestar, what's Onestar doing here?

Spark: (gives Firestar a Look)

Firestar: (lovingly) Onestar is my mate now. Onestar, I love you and always have. (twines tails with Onestar)

Onestar: Um, yes, that's right.

Sandstorm: (jaws fall open) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FIRESTAR! (flies at Firestar with claws out)

Spark: Oops. I forgot to mention that you also have to take all the beatings and insults that come with this dare.

Firestar: (bleeding) Ow. Onestar, I hope our love can help us through this.

Berrynose: (passing by) Firestar is GAY with Onestar?! GREAT STARCLAN! Hey, everyone, come here!

ThunderClan: What?

Berrynose: Firestar and Onestar are GAY!

Mousefur: *gasp* Why, Firestar, I never would have guessed.

Onestar: (blushes in shame)

Leopardclaw: We're going forward five moons.

Spark: (presses the Button of Time)

* * * * *

Spark: Okay, remember, my Time Button doesn't go that fast, so here's a commercial!

Scourge: Do you want to rule the forest?

Random Power-hungry cat: You bet!

Scourge: Do you want to kill your enemies?

Cat: Who wouldn't?

Scourge: Then you need to join BloodClan! There you will be given a FREE stylish collar studded with teeth, and all you do is sign an eternal contract and prove yourself in a death battle!

Cat: Wow, I'm joining right away!

* * * * *

Spark: Okay, it's been five moons and we're back!

Firestar: (looking adoringly at the three kits beside him and Onestar) They're so beautiful.

Onestar: Let's name the ginger one Firekit Jr.

Spark: Wow, they actually had the kits. And without a gender change.

Leopardclaw: How about Jumpkit for the brown tabby?

Spark: And Sparkkit for the tortoiseshell.

Crowfeather: LOOK! ONESTAR IS GAY! (scratches Onestar's flank)

Onestar: OW!

Nightcloud: Oh my! Onestar, you are GAY!

Barkface: And they even had kits. How in the name of StarClan—?

Tornear: KILL FIRESTAR AND ONESTAR! (all of WindClan and ThunderClan leap at Firestar and Onestar and start tearing them apart)

Spark: Okay, that's the show for today. Bye!

Leopardclaw: See ya!

Spark: SEND IN REVIEWS!

**Thanks to the people who sent in reviews. **sweetlolitaangel**, I will probably use your Request next time. Good-bye!**

**Special thanks to **Harry Potter 101 **for your great dare.**


	7. Breezepaw

**I don't own Warriors. I only own Spark and any original characters I make up. **

**Enjoy!**

Spark: I am so happy, for I have many reviews! I give my sincerest thanks to all of you. And now, I am going to do something totally new! (presses RBT and a StarClan cat falls out of the sky)

Bluestar: I'll get you, Tigerstar! You just wait!

Spark: (rolls eyes) Hi.

Bluestar: (pleasantly) Hello, Spark. (pulls out a book) Ready?

Spark: Yup. (puts paw over heart)

Bluestar: Repeat after me. _I, Spark, do swear to review every single fanfic I read in the future._

Spark: I, Spark, do swear to review every single fanfic I read in the future.

Bluestar: _And if I do not, may the evil Tigerstar steal me away in my sleep._

Spark: And if I do not, may the evil Tigerstar steal me away in my sleep.

Bluestar: _And kill me._

Spark: And kill me. (bows) Everyone, take this oath that I just did, and let us make a better reviewing world together. (sends Bluestar back to StarClan) Now, today my co-host is… (pulls out a slip of paper) Icepaw, sent by sweetlolitaangel! (presses RBT and Icepaw crashes into a tree)

Icepaw: (scared-ish) Where am I?

Spark: You're on The Random Factor! (confetti falls all around them)

Icepaw: In front of a dozen cats?! (looks at twelve cats sitting in random places)

Spark: Nope. (opens a curtain) Just RiverClan, ThunderClan, WindClan, ShadowClan, StarClan, and The Place of No Stars cats. (grins)

Hawkfrost: Go Icepaw!

Mothwing: Icepaw, you're awesome!

Ferncloud: Is that my daughter?

Blackstar: GO SPARK AND ICEPAW!

Barkface: You are the best, Icepaw!

Yellowfang: Icepaw, for a kit, you're all right!

Icepaw: (wide-eyed) This is creepy.

Spark: (signing autographs) Yeah, I hate all the attention too. (crowd-surfs for five minutes) YAHOO! (jumps back on ground) Icepaw, the Box please.

Icepaw: Huh? Oh, right. (brings out box) Here is the Box de Randomness! (looks at the Clans watching eagerly, and shivers) Spark?

Spark: (draws out a Request) And this Random Request is from…*drum roll*…_sweetlolitaangel_! (reads dare) I need Breezepaw, Leafpool, and Feathertail! (presses RBT)

Breezepaw: Oh no! I'm stuck with a bunch of ThunderClan cats and a half-clan cat!

Spark: I am a RiverClan cat.

Feathertail: Ooh, me too.

Spark: (engages Feathertail in a fish-related conversation)

Icepaw: I'm creeped out.

Spark: *laugh* Okay, Breezepaw, your Request is… (whispers in Breezpaw's ear) _Breezepaw, you must mate with both Leafpool and Feathertail._

Breezepaw: I'm not doing that!

Spark: Then you must…join the HalfClan—I mean, ThunderClan!

Breezepaw: NOOOO! You can't make me!!! (jumps on Leafpool)

Leafpool: AUGHHHHH!

Spark: (covers Icepaw's eyes) Okay…While they have fun…Here's a commercial!

Audience: (munches popcorn)

***

Crowfeather: Would you like to die so you can be with your lost loved one?

Random Heartbroken Cat: *sob* YES!

Crowfeather: Then you need the KillerPack! It brings Tigerstar back to life and he arranges your convenient death right away! You are guaranteed* to go to StarClan and be with your love!

Random Heartbroken Cat: Amazing! I have got to get that!

Crowfeather: *-Only guaranteed if you have been a good cat. Side effects of the arranged death include drowning, suffocation, bleeding, extreme pain, and missing body parts. Enjoy!

***

Spark: Aaaaaand we're back! Great commercial, huh?

Leafpool: Get off me, Breezepaw! (claws Breezepaw apart)

Spark: Don't forget Feathertail! (presses RBT and brings Breezepaw back to life)

Breezepaw: YAH! (jumps on Feathertail)

Spark: (ties a blindfold on Icepaw)

Icepaw: This is creeping me out! Mommy! (runs to Ferncloud, bumping into stuff along the way)

Crowfeather: BREEZEPAW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LOVE?!

Breezepaw: Fox dung.

Crowfeather: AHHHHHH! (starts tearing Breezepaw apart)

Spark: (eating popcorn and watching the scene) Wow… (puts a sign on the stage door—RATED PG-13. NOT FOR KITS OR APPRENTICES)

Crowfeather: (tears Breezepaw's head off)

Spark: (changes sign—RATED R+. NOT FOR ANY WARRIORS UNDER 12 MOONS)

Nightcloud: My son!

Spark: Run, everybody! (dashes out door)

Nightcloud: I'M GONNA GET YOU! (claws Crowfeather's heart out and shreds it)

Spark: (peeks back in) That it evil. (changes sign to—RATED XXX. NOT FOR ANYONE) Well, that's the show! Wait… (presses RBT and Breezepaw re-appears)

Breezepaw: I'm alive! Yay!

Spark: Breezepaw, you now must do something totally random! (glances at Nightcloud, who's eating the remains of Crowfeather's heart and brains and screaming evilly) Ew. Anyway, you must… (thinks for a minute)

Breezepaw: *gulp*

Spark: (light bulb appears above head) You must eat a dozen juicy mice, and then when anyone asks you anything about them, you have to… (whispers to him)

In the WindClan camp…

Heathertail: Hey, Breezepaw, where'd you get all those mice?

Breezepaw: GO AWAY! (stands on hind legs and starts to sing and break dance) _I'm burnin' up, BURNIN' up, for you baby…You get the limo out front, ooo-ooo-ooo…Bob the Builder…_

Heathertail: Um… (backs away looking scared)

Spark: (comes from nowhere) Bye, guys, and see you soon! Remember to review! Everytime you don't review, a kit dies! Toodaloo!

**Really, thanks for reviewing. I'm going to have my hands full with writing all these chapters…but I like it! Bye from LenzieKat. **

**Thanks to **No killing kits!** and **stealthclaw** for your reviews.**

**Special thanks to **sweetlolitaangel**. Bye!**


	8. The Special

**I do not own Warriors.**

**Thank you for all the reviews!**

**This will be an extra-long chappie!**

**Spark plushies for everyone! **

Spark: (humming softly to herself while playing with toilet paper) Once upon a time in a beautiful world of ponies…there was a princess…

Foxpaw: Um…Spark? (fearful look on face)

Spark: And the princess had a unicorn…Wha—? FOXPAW! GET OUT!

Foxpaw: NO!

Spark: (takes deep breaths) What are you doing here?

Foxpaw: Well, for this episode of The Random Factor, you don't have a co-host. So here I am.

Spark: (slaps face with paw) Darn it! I _told_ Tigerstar to take care of you! Tigerstar, the deal's off! You'll never get me to kill Firestar! NEVER!

Foxpaw: (looking dazed) Huh?

Spark: NEVER! (shreds evil contract) Okay, everyone, this is a specially long episode of The Random Factor!

Foxpaw: And here is the Box de Randomness! Spark, would you like to do the honors?

Spark: DUH! (grabs a piece of paper) And one of the Random Requests for today is from…_**stealthclaw**_! (reads Request) Sandstorm! Spottedleaf! (presses RBT)

Sandstorm: AUGH! Where am I?

Spottedleaf: Ow! I landed on a sharp rock! (sees Sandstorm)

Sandstorm: (sees Spottedleaf) You!

Spottedleaf: Firestar is mine!

Sandstorm: (leaps on Spottedleaf)

Spark: (watching with mild interest) OI! BREAK IT UP!

Spottedleaf: Ha! I'm a StarClan cat, so you can't hurt me! Na na na na na na!

Sandstorm: MY EAR! (licks mangled ear)

Spark: STOP! (puts down videocamera) Okay, I need you two to stand here in this spotlight. (grins evilly)

Sandstorm: (shrugs and stands in spotlight with Spottedleaf)

Spark: Sandstorm and Spottedleaf, you have been chosen to do a RANDOM REQUEST!

Sandstorm and Spottedleaf: NOOOOOO! WHAT IS IT?!

Spark: You two must make out in front of ThunderClan, WindClan, ShadowClan, RiverClan, StarClan, SkyClan, BloodClan, The Ancient Cats, The Tribe of Rushing Water, The Tribe of Endless Hunting, Midnight, Rock, all the kittypets, rogues, loners, and…Firestar! (opens curtain to reveal all named cats)

Rock: I sense a prophecy unfolding.

Fallen Leaves: This is a LOT better than wandering those caves.

Firestar: (gaping) Sandstorm! Spottedleaf! How could you!

Sanstorm: It's not what it looks like!

Spark: (raises eyebrows at them and taps imaginary watch)

Sandstorm: WAIT! What's the punishment if we don't do this?

Spark: Sandstorm has to mate with One-eye, and Spottedleaf has to kiss Yellowfang!

Spottedleaf and Sandstorm: (gasp) *make out*

Crowd: Oooh, ahhh…

Spark: Okayyyy….

Firestar: I FEEL SO BETRAYED!!! (runs away crying)

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: And that's the first dare for today!

Foxpaw: (brings out the Box de Randomness)

Spark: (takes out paper and reads it) And this Random Request is from _**No killing kits!**_! Daisy! Cloudtail! Brightheart! (presses RBT)

Daisy: OWIE! My paw!

Cloudtail: Um…

Brightheart: WHERE ARE WE?

Spark: You, Daisy, have received a Random Request.

Daisy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Spark: You have to (whispers in Daisy's ear) _You have to mate with Cloudtail in front of Brightheart._

Daisy: Um…the mate part is okay (hearts appear in eyes) but I'd feel a lot better if it wasn't in front of Brightheart, thank you.

Spark: (sweetly) Oh, really? WELL, TOO BAD!

Daisy: (looks at Spark with wide eyes)

Spark: (innocently) Ready, Daisy?

Daisy: NO!

Spark: Then I must use the Jayfeather attack.

Jayfeather: (randomly appears) PIE! CHEESE! FOX DUNG! I LOVE MILLIE! (laughs insanely)

Daisy: Okay, I'll do it!

Graystripe: I HATE YOU! MILLIE IS MINE! (drags Jayfeather away)

Spark: (opens curtain to show every cat in the Warriors books) Now, Daisy! (tapes Brightheart's eyes open)

Daisy: (grabs Cloudtail and—

Commercial time! HA! I got you!

Dustpelt: Do you feel like everyone thinks you're evil?

Darkstripe: Yup!

Dustpelt: Do you want them to shut their StarClan-forsaken mouths?

Darkstripe: (nodding eagerly) Yeah!

Dustpelt: Then you need to buy the Foam Finger!

Darkstripe: Wow! What does it do?

Dustpelt: No idea! But you can get the Foam Finger for the amazing price of one million mice!

Darkstripe: Yea!

End of commercial!

Spark: Aaaaaaannnnnd we're back! Daisy has finished 'doing her thing' with Cloudtail, and Brightheart is now ripping her to shreds!

Daisy: HEEEEELLLLPP!

Brightheart: MUAHAHAHAHA!

Cloudtail: (dazed) What happened?

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: Time for another Random Request! This one is from _**swiftfire102**_! I need Leafpool and Hawkfrost! (presses RBT)

Leafpool: (spots Hawkfrost and giggles shyly) Hello, Hawkfrost.

Hawkfrost: (backs away)

Spark: You guys have received a Random Request!

Hawkfrost: (sarcastically) Oh goody.

Spark: You, Leafpool, must mate with Hawkfrost!

Leafpool: (smiles widely) YAHOO! Come here, Hawky!

Spark: Hawky?

Hawkfrost: (running away from Leafpool) HELP ME!!!

Leafpool: Hee hee!

Spark: (watches Leafpool and Hawkfrost run off into the sunset) Well, that was weird.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: More Requests! This one is from _**sweetlolitaangel**_! (reads Request) Wow, this one looks good! I need Brightheart…again. (presses RBT)

Brightheart: I HATE DAISY! Oh, hello, Spark.

Spark: (holds up a coffee mug) Brightheart, do you know what this is?

Brightheart: Nope!

Spark: Here. (sloshes coffee around) Have a drink.

Brightheart: Um, okay. (takes a sip of coffee, and then freezes in place)

Spark: (grins)

Brightheart: (licks lips) That's good stuff you got there.

Spark: (innocently) Really? You think so?

Brightheart: What's it called?

Spark: Coffee.

Brightheart: Can I—Can I have some more?

Spark: Yup. (gives Brightheart coffee mug, and Brightheart drinks the whole thing)

Brightheart: (stays still for a minute) It's delicious. I LOVE COFFEE! COFFEE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD! IT WILL EAT TEN TREES! (starts running around randomly)

Spark: (takes out videocamera)

Brightheart: Give it to me.

Spark: Give what?

Brightheart: The rest of the coffee.

Spark: (looking frightened) There is no more.

Brightheart: I see. YAHHHHHH! (grabs an Indian outfit out of nowhere and puts it on) COFFEE! POWWOW! BRING THE COFFEE, SPIRITS OF THE EARTH!

Spark: (videotaping) This will get a million views on CatTube.

Brightheart: AND EVERYONE SAYS COFFEE RULES! (shakes paws at the sky)

Spark: Hmm… (checks coffee packet) Maybe that was the _Super_-Caffeinated coffee…Oh well. (throws packet over shoulder)

Brightheart: AND COFFEE CREATED THE CLANS! IT IS SOMETHING TO WORSHIP! (starts frothing at the mouth, eyeballs rolling in head)

Spark: Nope, it was definitely Super-Super-Super-Caffeinated Coffee, one trillion grams of sugar, and five zillion grams of caffeine.

Brightheart: AND WHEN DID THE BIRDIE SOAR?! YESTERDAY! HAHAHAHAHA!

Spark: Um… (scoots away from the hyper maniac) Anyway, here's another Request from _**sweetlolitaangel**_! (presses RBT and Molepaw falls down from StarClan)

Molepaw: HA! I am alive!

Spark: (doodling on a clipboard) Molepaw, you have siblings, right?

Molepaw: YES! But before I died from greencough!

Spark: Do you hate them for living while you died?

Molepaw: How did you know?

Spark: Oh, I'm a genius.

Molepaw: I want to launch the ultimate revenge on them.

Spark: Does it involve a machine gun?

Molepaw: Yes! You really are a genius!

Spark: I try. (gives a giant, oversized, deadly machine gun to Molepaw)

Molepaw: MUAHAHA!

Spark: (lazily presses RBT and Cinderheart, Poppyfrost, and Honeyfern fall out of the sky)

Poppyfrost: Molepaw! Mother will be so glad to see you alive!

Molepaw: (waves machine gun in the air) REVENGE WILL BE MINE!

Honeyfern: Oh, a machine gun.

Molepaw: I WILL KILL YOU ALL! (starts shooting like a maniac)

Spark: (sits in beach chair and watches while eating popcorn) Mmm, this is gonna be gold!

Cinderheart! AHH! RUN FOR IT!

Molepaw: (laughs evilly while following his sisters through the woods)

Spark: (burps) Wow, that was…interesting. Well, I still have another Request from _**sweetlolitaangel**_, so… (presses RBT and Jayfeather and Squirrelflight fall out of the sky)

Jayfeather: (glares at Squirrelflight) YOU ARE A LIAR!

Squirrelflight: I'm sorry, Jayfeather! I had to do what I did!

Jayfeather: You traitor!

Spark: Hey! HEY! Jayfeather, you've got a Request.

Jayfeather: I don't have time for a stupid request from you.

Spark: You got to kill your…um… 'Mommy'.

Jayfeather: That I can do. (leaps on Squirrelflight and starts clawing her)

Spark: (taps Jayfeather on the shoulder and holds up a machine gun and some rope) Need some help?

Jayfeather: (graps supplies and ties Squirrelflight to a tree and points the machine gun at her)

Spark: Ready? Three…

Squirrelflight: Brambleclaw! HELP!

Spark: Two…

Jayfeather: (adjusts the trigger on the gun)

Spark: One…

Random StarClan Cat: One is coming to join us soon.

Spark: ZERO!

Jayfeather: (shoots machine gun and Squirrelflight blows up)

Spark: Hey, look! The bits of Squirrelflight are falling like confetti! (grabs Jayfeather and they dance in the confetti-Squirrelflight)

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: And I have yet another Random Request from…_**Howlingsky**_! Hawkfrost, get out here…again. (presses RBT)

Hawkfrost: Yes! I'm free from Leafpool!

Spark: This Request is for me, and I have to 'do it' with Hawkfrost! Come here, Hawky!

Hawkfrost: Oh no. (runs for his life)

Spark: I LOVE YOU, HAWKY! (chases him)

Leafpool: (appears) SPARK! GET AWAY FROM MY MAN! (jumps on Spark and starts shredding her)

Spark: NO! Hawky loves ME! Right, Hawky?

Leafpool: No. You love me the most, right Hawkie-pie?

Hawkfrost: (has an inspiration) Close your eyes, and I'll show you with my lips who I like the best.

Spark: Okay! (closes eyes and purses lips)

Leafpool: (does the same)

Hawkfrost: (makes a run for it)

Ten Years Later…

Spark: You know what, Leafpool? I think Hawkfrost tricked us.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: Well, I never got Hawky back. (cries into a handkerchief) Well, *sniff* here's another Request, from _**Silouke**_! I need *sniff* Graystripe and Millie! (presses RBT) Oh, and Lionblaze.

Lionblaze: Yay! I get to co-host with Spark!

Spark: I know, right?

Graystripe: Where are we?

Spark: You and Millie have received a Request!

Millie: Oh, no!

Spark: Millie, you've heard of Silverstream, right?

Millie: (growls and unsheathes claws) Yeah.

Spark: Well, we're going on a little trip to the past! We're gonna watch when Graystripe and Silverstream mated! Lionblaze, take us away!

Lionblaze: (picks up the world and spins it around and around very fast, taking everyone back in time)

Spark: Ta-da! Look! (points at the Past-Graystripe and the Past-Silverstream)

Right Now Time Graystripe: Um, maybe we shouldn't watch this.

Past-Graystripe: Silverstream, there isn't another cat in the world like you.

Right Now Time Millie: (growls again)

Past-Graystripe: So beautiful, smart, beautiful, wonderful, creative, beautiful, kind, sweet…

Right Now Time Spark: (munches popcorn eagerly)

Past-Silverstream: Oh, Gray-bear!

Right Now Time Graystripe: (starts backing away)

Past-Graystripe: I'd never take another mate if you died for some reason, and even if I did, I wouldn't love her as much as you, Silver-Muffin!

Right Now Time Millie: SILVER MUFFIN?

Past-Graystripe: I especially wouldn't love a stupid kittypet!

Right Now Time Graystripe: (tries to make a run for it, but gets stopped by Right Now Time Lionblaze)

Past-Graystripe: Why don't we make our love stronger?

Right Now Time Millie: (watches as Past-Graystripe and Past-Silverstream mate)

Right Now Time Graystripe: Um…heh, heh.

Right Now Time Millie: (starts murdering Right Now Time Graystripe)

Right Now Time Lionblaze: (picks up the world again and spins everyone back into the present time)

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: Okay…now it's time for the Alive Session!

Firestar: We mourn all the cats that were killed in this episode of The Random Factor. Daisy…Poppyfrost…Cinderheart…Honeyfern…Squirrelflight…Graystripe…

The Clans: No! They were so young!

Spark: And here they come again! (presses RBT and Daisy, Poppyfrost, Cinderheart, Honeyfern, Squirrelflight, and Graystripe come back to life)

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Spark: Now, time for a little game!

The Clans: Ooh, ahh…

Spark: I need the four leaders! Onestar! Firestar! Blackstar! And Leopardstar!

Firestar: (shyly) Hi, Onestar.

Spark: You four are going to be in a contest!

StarClan Cat of Fairness: There will be a pile of super-hot wings. The super hotness will be supplied by Tigerstar's evilness. The last cat standing wins!

Spark: On your mark…

The Four Leaders: (grab knives and forks)

Spark: Get set…

Tigerstar: EVILNESS ROCKS!

Spark: GO!

The Four Leaders: (start eating)

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Thankx to all the people who sent in the Requests! Now who should win the Hot Wing Contest? Go on my profile and vote!**

**Toodaloo!**

**~LenzieKat~**


	9. Sorry!

**Sorry, my computer is jacked up and won't let me update a poll. So you'll just have to vote in your reviews!**

**I can't take anonymous votes, though, because I don't know if you're the same person voting over and over. Sorry.**

**Keep reading The Random Factor!**


	10. Hot Wings

**It's time for the long-awaited hot wing contest! (By the way, the hot wings are mouse hot wings)**

**I own Warriors as much as I own Earth, Saturn, Jupiter, and the Sun. (Which means I don't)**

**It took me a while to get enough votes to decide which cat should win.**

**Enjoy!**

*****

Spark: Aaaaaaaand we're back! These poor leaders have been eating for a LOOOONG time. I think it's time for them to stop.

The Four Fat Leaders: YAY! (burp)

Crowd: NOOOO!

Spark: (grins evilly) But I think they should keep eating!

The Four Fat Leaders: AWWW!

Crowd: MUAHAHAHA!

Fat Firestar: But we're getting fat from eating! (holds up a scale in protest)

Fat Blackstar: Super…hot…wings…so…hot…can…I…have…some…water (pants)

Tigerstar: (still riding the exercise bike that powers the Evil Fire of Hotness that makes the hot wings hot) You can NEVER have water!

Spark: As much as I hate to agree with the cat who killed Gorsepaw—

Crowd: (begins crying into handkerchiefs) Why?! WHY?! He was so young!

Spark: —I have to say you're right, Tigerstar. Blackstar, you cannot have water.

Tigerstar: SEE?

Spark: Shut up, Tigerstar. (hits Tigerstar on the head with a brick)

Fat Leopardstar: If I win, can I claim the island for RiverClan? (stuffs another hot wing into her mouth)

Fat Onestar: You're a _she-cat_, Leopardstar! She-cats are weak and never do anything!

Fat Firestar: Yeah! She-cats are stupid!

Fat Blackstar: Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sandstorm: _What_ did you say, Firestar? (angry she-cats begin to fan out from behind her)

Spark: Settle down, Sandstorm. You can kill Firestar, Onestar, and Blackstar later. (pulls out a schedule) Can I pencil you in for three-thirty p.m., two sunrises from now?

Angry Mob of She-cats: YAY!

Fat Firestar: I WILL WIN! (grabs the hot wing plate and shoves it in his mouth) OW! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT!

Fat Onestar: HAHAHA!

Fat Leopardstar: (signs up for the Angry Mob of She-cats Club)

Spark: (holds up a timer) ONE MORE MINUTE!

Fat Blackstar: NOOOOOO!

Crowd: (stares at him)

Blackstar: MOMMY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

Spark: Um….thirty more seconds….

Fat Firestar: (eats all the hot wings at his table)

Tigerstar: (hatches an evil plan)

Fat Leopardstar: (tries to eat her remaining twenty hot wings)

Fat Blackstar: (abandons his hot wings and starts dancing) OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BABY YOU GOT ME! OHOHOH!

Russetfur: (snaps a picture with her cell phone)

Rowanclaw: (stares at his leader with his mouth open)

Tawnypelt: I'm gonna go back to ThunderClan.

Fat Onestar: Can't…eat…any more… (faints on the ground)

Spark: FIVE!

Crowd: FOUR!

Spark: THREE!

Crowd: TWO!

Spark: ONNNNNE! Drop those hot wings and line up over here!

The Four Leaders: (drag their fat bodies along the ground to Spark)

Spark: (strolls over to the four Hot Wing Tables and inspects them with a magnifying glass) I see….

Fat Firestar: (crosses paws) Please StarClan…

Fat Leopardstar: PLEASE! For the She-cats!

Angry Mob of She-cats: YEAH!

Fat Onestar: Come on…I gotta win…

Spark: Um-hmm… (makes notes on a clipboard)

Fat Onestar: PLEASE! I need to show everyone that WindClan is the BEST!

Spark: (muttering softly) And two plus two equals four…

Fat Blackstar: (taps foot impatiently)

Tigerstar: (sighs)

Spark: (chews on the end of her pencil) Carry the nine…

Fat Firestar: ((texts Spottedleaf on his cell phone)

Spark: (snaps paws) Um…what does that make again? Eight…no, five…

Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!

Spark: (surprised) What? Was I taking too long?

Crowd: (slaps their faces with their paws) YES!

Spark: Heh…heh…

The Four Fat Leaders: (cross paws hopefully)

Spark: Okay…. Blackstar!

The Three Fat Leaders Besides Blackstar: AWW!

Fat Blackstar: YESSSSSS! (starts break dancing) IN YOUR FACE MOMMY!

Spark: Um, Blackstar?

Fat Blackstar: THANK YOU!!!!

Spark: Blackstar….?

Fat Blackstar: (pulls out a speech and clears his throat) I'd like to dedicate this victory to my dear mother, Shadowstar. May the light of StarClan shine on her forever—

Spark: (yells through a bullhorn) BLACKSTAR YOU DIDN'T WIN!

Fat Blackstar: (crestfallen) I didn't?

Tigerstar: NO! So SHADDAP!

Fat Blackstar: Ma—ma—ma—ma—

Tigerstar: (points his paw at a kitty bed that magically appeared) Go lay down.

Fat Blackstar: Aw man! (pads over to the bed with his tail between his legs)

Spark: The REAL winner is… (pulls out a microphone)

Crowd: (leans forward eagerly)

Spark: FIRESTAR!

Fat Firestar: (starts crying and dabs eyes with a handkerchief) This is the greatest day of my life! (wipes hot wing sauce of his mouth)

The Angry Mob of She-cats Including Leopardstar Now: Grrrr! (holds up torches and pitchforks)

Fat Firestar: BURRRRRP!! (licks lips) Tastes like hot wings.

Crowd: EWWWW!

Fat Onestar: My one chance to make WindClan great, and I blew it! (breaks down sobbing)

Spark: Blackstar had fourty-nine wings left out of his original two hundred…

ShadowClan: Great, we came in last place.

Spark: (adjusts microphone) Onestar left twenty-five wings on his plate out of two hundred…

WindClan: (sighs) WindClan will never be great…

Spark: (coughs) Leopardstar won the silver trophy and came in a VERY close second with the three hot wings she left…

Angry Mob of She-cats Club: (lift Leopardstar on their shoulders) LeopardSTAR! LeopardSTAR!

Spark: And Firestar is the WINNER! (confetti falls around everyone and the song "I've Got the Power" begins to play)

Tigerstar: And the time to carry out my evil plan has come! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Crowd: (looks at Tigerstar with frightened expressions)

Tigerstar: Just practicing my evil laugh?

Crowd: Ohhhhh.

Tigerstar: (sneaks up behind the dancing Firestar)

Fat Firestar: (kisses Spark)

Spark: (giggles)

Sandstorm: (calls a meeting of the Angry Mob of She-cats Club)

Tigerstar: (lights a match and sets Firestar on fire)

Fat Firestar: (doesn't notice anything and keeps dancing) Who let the Twolegs out? WHO! WHO WHO!

Every Cat In The Clans Except The Angry She-cats And Tigerstar: Uh…Firestar?

Fat Firestar: (bursts into flame) You get the limo out front… ooh—ooh—ohh… (now is a dancing flame)

Every Cat In The Clans Except The Angry She-cats And Tigerstar: FIRESTAR! YOU'RE ON FIRE!

Fat Firestar: Wha—? OH MY GOD! _OH MY GOD!!!_ (hops around trying to get the flame off him)

Tigerstar And The Angry She-cats: (dump a giant bucket of water of Firestar on Fire)

Fat Firestar: (who is now a blackened, sooty, smoking cat) WHO DID THAT?

Tigerstar: (whistles innocently)

Fat Firestar: (points an accusing paw at Onestar) You did it!

Tigerstar: (wipes sweat off his brow) Whew!

Fat Onestar: (turns around with a hot wing hanging out of his mouth) What?

Fat Firestar: What happened to the love we shared? (runs away crying)

Spark: Well….that wraps up another episode of The Random Factor!

______

Meanwhile, in a hidden cave far away…

______

Sandstorm: Okay, and…Leopardstar?

Leopardstar: Here!

Sandstorm: Good…Tawnypelt?

Tawnypelt: Present!

Sandstorm: Excellent…and last but not least… Minnowpaw?

Minnowpaw: I'm over here.

Sandstorm: (checks off names on a clipboard) Good. We're all here.

Heathertail: What's the plan?

Willowshine: Yeah! We need to teach those StarClann-forsaken toms a lesson!

The Other Angry She-cats: YEAH!

Sorreltail: Maybe we should smash them on the head with bricks!

Sandstorm: Hmm… I have a plan…

_______

**What will Sandstorm's plan be? Find out in the next episode of The Random Factor! **

**Send in your application if you want to join the Angry She-cat Club!**

**Here's an example:**

Name: Sparklepelt of RandomClan

Position: Warrior

Description: She-cat with red eyes and midnight-black fur that has magical sparkles

Reason For Joining Angry She-Cat Club: Because I want to destroy the stupid toms in the Clans

**You can personalize your application. This is just a small example.**

**Review!**

**Remember to send in episode ideas and cats Spark can co-host with!**


	11. The Angry SheCat Club Rally

**Hi! I'm back! And I used ALL of the cat applications I was sent—even the anonymous ones. Sadly, I could only mention most of them because I had a lot of cats to use.**

**Thanks to everyone who sent in applications! **

**I wrote this in story form, not the usual script form I write this fic in. **

**Please review when you're done reading!**

**BTW, there will be no dares until the Angry She-Cats have revenge on the toms.**

*******

**Angry She-Cats Club Allegiances **

Leader—Sandstorm

Members—

Spark—midnight black she-cat with magical sparkles in her fur and red eyes; of RandomClan

Squirrelflight—dark ginger she-cat with green eyes; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior_

Willowshine—dark gray she-cat; of RiverClan-----_Medicine Cat Apprentice_

Russetfur—dark ginger she-cat; of ShadowClan-----_Deputy_

Sorreltail—tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat with amber eyes; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior_

Mistyfoot—gray she-cat with blue eyes; of RiverClan-----_Deputy_

Brightheart—white she-cat with ginger patches; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior_

Heathertail—light brown tabby she-cat with blue eyes; of WindClan-----_Warrior_

Leopardstar—an usually spotted golden tabby she-cat; of RiverClan-----_Leader_

Mousefur—small dusky brown she-cat; of ThunderClan-----_Elder, but wants to kick tom-cat butt_

Ashfoot—gray she-cat; of WindClan-----_Deputy_

Tawnypelt—tortoiseshell she-cat with green eyes; of ShadowClan-----_Warrior_

Poppyfrost—tortoiseshell she-cat; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior _

Stealthclaw—light gray she-cat with sparkly blue eyes and loves to write stories on her laptop; of ThunderClan, WindClan, and LightningClan-----_Warrior_---sent in by stealthclaw

Silverdew—gray she-cat with green eyes; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior_---sent in by Silverdew of ThunderClan

Amberthorn—white she-cat with maniac-like amber eyes and rants about yaoi; of NoClan-_---_-_Very Insane Medicine Cat_---sent in by Chill of Winters Breeze

Frostclaw—white she-cat with blue eyes; of RockClan-----_Deputy_---sent in by frostclaw88

Silverfeather—silver tabby she-cat with green eyes; of ShadowClan-----_Warrior_---sent in by Silverfeather

Frostfeather—long-haired white she-cat with an amber and green eye; of ThunderClan-----_Warrior_---sent in by sweetlolitaangel

Tornsight—dark brown she-cat with dark blue eyes (has poor eyesight); of ShadowClan-----_Medicine Cat_---sent in by sweetlolitaangel

Dapplesong—orange tabby she-cat with white paws, white face, and a bushy tail; of RiverClan-----_Warrior_---sent in by brackenfurlover

Moonlight—dark black she-cat with a crescent moon birthmark on her forehead; of LightningClan-----_Medicine Cat_---sent in by Moonfur

Junior Members—

Minnowpaw—dark gray she-cat; of RiverClan

Icepaw—white she-cat; of ThunderClan

Dawnpaw—cream-furred she-cat; of ShadowClan

Sedgepaw—light brown tabby she-cat; of WindClan

Featherpaw—light gray she-cat with flecks of yellow and bright blue eyes and who adores Spark; of ThunderClan-----_Apprentice_---sent in by sweetlolitaangel

Strange Members

Rowanclaw—the he/she that got a gender change in _Starlight_

Jayfeather—he joined to get revenge in Lionblaze

Mr. Sticky—Jayfeather's stick that likes to eat pie

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Okay, so how much does this brick weigh?" Sedgepaw set the brick on the balance scale. It ticked to 1,000 pounds. She and Minnowpaw smiled.

"Yahoo!" Sandstorm waved her paws in the air. "It's heavy!" She picked up Frostfeather and tossed her into the air with incredible strength. Frostfeather screamed as she plummeted to the ground and landed on top of Mr. Sticky. "Ow!" Frostfeather grabbed a hammer and prepared to smash Mr. Sticky into bits.

"NOOOO! NOT MR. STICKY!" Jayfeather yanked Mr. Sticky out of harm's way and put him back in his crib. "There you go, Mr. Sticky," he crooned.

"Um, Jayfeather, can you remind us why you're in a club for SHE-CATS?" Spark asked, while trying to shove away Featherpaw, who was trying to get Spark's autograph.

"Because it's part of my revenge on Lionblaze," Jayfeather replied stubbornly.

"What kind of 'revenge' are you talking about?" Tawnypelt asked. "Dawnpaw, QUIT drooling over that picture of Rowanclaw in his underwear! He is your FATHER, for StarClan's sake!" She ripped the picture our of Dawnpaw's paws and glanced at it. "Ooh, he does look hot…"

"Tawnypelt, you do know—" Amberthorn began.

"…so fine and sexy…" Tawnypelt mused.

"Tawnypelt?" Brightheart meowed hesitantly.

"…perfectly rounded butt…"

"Cats don't even have butts," Moonlight said confusedly.

"…long tail perfect for wrapping around me and making out with me…"

"Yes, that is so right, Tawnypelt," Rowanclaw drawled sexily, and he pulled Tawnypelt away and they started making out.

"Can y'all tell me why Rowanclaw is here too?" Dapplesong asked.

"Oh, the Erins gave him a gender change and now he thinks he's a girl sometimes," Icepaw replied.

"Okay…" Dapplesong blinked a couple of times.

"Why are you here, Frostfeather?" Ashfoot mewed kindly, noticing the white she-cat standing by herself.

"Why," Frostfeather blinked dazedly. "I really don't know."

Spark sighed. "Writing this episode in story form is so hard."

Heathertail rolled her eyes and thought about the tunnels. She wished Lionblaze still loved her.

"Order! Order in the Club!" Sandstorm rapped on a podium(which magically appeared) with a gavel. All the cats fell silent, except for Mousefur, who was yelling, "When do we get to kick Firestar and Blackstar and Onestar's butts?"

"Soon," Sandstorm promised. "First, we need a plan. Maybe we should do something like the Great Battle—"

The ThunderClan members glared at the WindClan and RiverClan members.

"—Or we could lure them into a trap." Sandstorm shuffled paper on the podium.

Hollyleaf raised her paw. "Are we just going to attack the toms, or the she-cats who didn't join us?"

"Hmm…" Sandstorm thought for a moment. "What do you think, Spark?"

Spark stopped adjusting the trigger on her brand-new machine gun. "Huh? Oh, I just wanna attack somebody."

Sandstorm sighed. "Leopardstar?"

"Perhaps we could just attack the she-cats that are defending the toms—and of course the toms themselves," Leopardstar suggested.

Sandstorm considered it. "Good idea! That's one we'll use. So, now we—" She was interrupted by Squirrelflight charging into the clearing. "What are you doing here?" Sandstorm asked. "I thought you didn't want to join because of Brambleclaw."

"Oh," Squirrelflight mewed. She looked angrily at the staring faces of Silverfeather and Silverdew. "When we were going back to camp, Brambleclaw commented on how stupid the She-Cat Club was, and then I got mad, slapped him, and came here to join."

Sandstorm gave Squirrelflight an approving nod, and Squirrelflight went to sit by Stealthclaw, Brightheart and Russetfur. "Okay," Sandstorm continued. "We need a GOOD plan, not the mouse-brained idea about short-sheeting the toms' nests." She glanced at Minnowpaw and Willowshine, who shuffled their paws on the ground sheepishly. "It was just an idea," they mumbled.

"But _definitely _not one we can use. Anyway, let me see a show of paws for the cats who are in favor of another Great Battle."

About one-third of the cats raised their paws. Spark raised her paw and her machine gun. Frostclaw yowled, "Boo!" Tornsight hit her on the head. "Shaddap!" she screamed.

"YOU SHADDAP!" Frostclaw screamed back. "You're just mad that Blackstar doesn't love you!"

Tornsight huffed. "And that is why he must die."

"GUYS!" Sandstorm picked up Mr. Sticky and hurled him at Poppyfrost, who was chatting with Cinderheart and giggling at a nude photo of Lionblaze.

"NOO! MY STICKY!" Jayfeather grabbed his Sticky and went to tuck him back in his crib again.

"Anyway…" Sandstorm sighed. "All in favor of throwing heavy and deadly items at the toms—and defender she-cats—for the attack?"

Twenty-four paws went into the air, including Sandstorm's own. "Good," she mewed. "Now for the…ATTACK! She-cats rule!"

"Toms drool!" the other she-cats shouted.

"Oh no they just _di_dn't," Rowanclaw mewed, shaking his paw in the air and shaking his hips.

There was silence as every cat stared at him**/**her. **(Let's just call Rowanclaw an 'it'. Okay?)**

Rowanclaw shrugged and sat down. "Tomsies drool, she-catsies drool, la la la la," it hummed.

Tawnypelt slowly inched away from her mate.

"Um…guys? Attack? Eat? Sleep? BOOGIE MAN!" Frostfeather screamed, pointed at a mouse with her paw, and scrambled into Sandstorm's arms. **(I know cats don't have arms, but go along with it!)**

Sandstorm dropped Frostfeather and looked toward the clearing entrance. Everyone else looked too. Daisy was strolling in.

"Hello!" she mewed. "Is I late?" She smiled widely and her eyes had an innocent look in them.

Daisy frowned, though, when Russetfur, Heathertail, Dapplesong, and Sedgepaw exchanged evil grins and padded over to Daisy.

"What are wrong?" Daisy mewed. "What I do? You is scaring me," she complained as Sedgepaw flexed her knuckles. **(I know! No knuckles! Deal with it!)**

_Punch._ Cats grabbed popcorn and watched as Daisy was beaten up. "Ooh, ah," they meowed.

Sandstorm sighed. "BREAK IT UP!"

The four Club cats broke apart to reveal a black-and-blue Daisy huddling on the ground. "WAHH!" she wailed, and she went off running for the Twoleg barn. "Smoky! I is sad!"

Spark shot Daisy with her machine gun.

"ORDER!" Sandstorm's voice was growing hoarse from yelling. "Are you ready to attack or what?"

"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Angry She-Cat Club cats yowled.

"Yah, yah, yah," Rowanclaw mewed. It picked up an action figure. "George Washington go Ka-boom?" It threw the figure up in the air and pretended to shoot at it. "Yah."

Tawnypelt's fur turned red as she blushed. Dawnpaw gaped. "Mommy? Why is Daddy going crazy?"

Willowshine checked Rowanclaw over. "I call it an overdose of poppy seeds. They make you go loopy."

As if confirming it, Rowanclaw giggled. "Heehee. I ate 'em! Poppy, poppy, poppy, seedsies. Loopy. Hee. Hee. Lovey Poppy."

Poppyfrost jumped away from it.

Frostfeather padded over to the loopy Rowanclaw. "Do you hear the voices?" she whispered.

"Yes!" Rowanclaw's eyes grew wide. "Finally, someone who understands!"

The two loopy cats padded off, side by side, whispering about the voices.

Sandstorm threw her paws in the air. "I give up! The attack is postponed until tomorrow!"

The Angry She-Cats groaned.

"QWERTY!" Rowanclaw screamed.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************-

**Sorry! I didn't want to make it go on and on…**

**I'm giving you more time to say…stuff. If there's like, something you want your cat to say or do, PM me or review. Or tell me something you want another cat to do or say.**

**Give me ideas for the attack! Do you want me to have Firestar get hit on the head with a bag of bricks? Let me know! Send in ideas! PLEASE!**

**Tell me anything you want, actually.**

**Let me know if you want me to keep writing in story mode.**

**Thanks to **dragon-girl93** for your idea about Daisy getting beaten up.**

**Ciao!**

**~LenzieKat~**


	12. A Thrilling Fight

**Don't say anything! I KNOW it's been almost two months since I've updated on this, but I really want to work on my other fic, "The Growing Up Of Tigerstar". **

**I have more than 230 reviews on it, so that makes it my most popular one, and that makes me update it more.**

**So that means updates on this fic, and my other, "I Am A Prisoner Of Tigerstar" will be slower.**

**BUT I WILL STILL UPDATE!**

**For those people who waited so long, here's a Spark plushie and some candy corn.**

**I don't own Thriller or Michael Jackson. OR Warriors.**

*****

"ORDER IN THE COURT!"

The Angry She-Cat Club was jolted awake by Sandstorm's yell.

"What—the—bleeping—StarClan?" Spark yawned and hit Icepaw on the head for no reason whatsoever.

Stealthclaw was still asleep, and as every cat stared at her, she muttered, "Mice are nice and made of ice and dipped in sugar and spice…I love you, Firestar…"

Poppyfrost and Frostclaw exchanged evil grins and threw Stealthclaw in a river.

"ORDER IN THE ANGRY SHE-CAT CLUB!" Sandstorm screeched again.

This time everyone was awake.

"SHADDAP!" Sedgepaw yelled.

Silverdew looked around wildly. "Who said that?!"

"Me," Sedgepaw meowed.

"AHH!" Silverdew screamed. "IT THE VOICES!"

"Anyway," Sandstorm cleared her throat, "it is time to discuss the attack."

Amberthorn raised her paw. "Weren't we going to attack the toms and the she-cats defending the toms?"

Ashfoot and Heathertail nodded agreement.

"Yes," Sandstorm continued, "but we need an exact plan. And NO SHORT-SHEETING THE TOMS' NESTS!" she snapped in Willowshine and Minnowpaw's direction.

"Could we pelt them with stiff rabbits?" Mousefur asked.

"I LIKE PIE!" Stealthclaw yowled from the river.

Leopardstar whacked Stealthclaw on the head with a stiff rabbit.

Squirrelflight sighed and glared at Brightheart. Brightheart jumped and glared back.

"WE HAS ANNOUNCEMENT!"

The Angry She-Cat Club members turned around and saw Rowanclaw holding paws with Frostfeather.

"We is mates now," they meowed. "And we is so happy."

"NOOOOOOO!" Tawnypelt cried.

Tornsight giggled.

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" Tawnypelt screamed at her.

"Duh."

"DIE!" Tawnypelt launched herself at Tornsight and they began to tear each other into bits.

"Right…" Sandstorm shook her head disbelievingly.

Mistyfoot muttered, "Idiots."

"ON WITH THE ATTACK!" Sandstorm screamed.

"YEAH!"

The she-cats picked up each and every kind of weapon they could find, and marched through the forest, all the way to a gathering of toms and defender she-cats.

Wow, what a coincidence.

Firestar jumped up and screamed like a little girl.

Sandstorm grinned. "ATTACK!"

All the Angry She-Cats yelled and charged into battle. Sandstorm picked up a bag of bricks and threw them at Firestar, laughing maniacally when it broke apart and the bricks hit Firestar, Onestar, and Blackstar together.

Sedgepaw gathered the Junior Members and together they grabbed Onestar and tied him to the top of the Sky Oak.

A huge stage magically appeared with an enormous stereo on it. Heathertail and Frostfeather jumped on it and pressed PLAY. "Thriller" began to boom all around the lake.

_It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark_

_Under the moonlight you see something that almost stops your heart_

Squirrelflight laughed maniacally as she and Spark chased Brambleclaw and Dustpelt through the forest. Spark shot down Dustpelt.

_You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it_

_You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes_

"HELLLP!" Brambleclaw screamed before Squirrelflight and Spark shot him with a tranquilizer.

_You're paralyzed_

'_Cause this is thriller, thriller night_

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Crowfeather cried.

"Don't worry, sweetie!" Leafpool assured him. "I'll protect you!"

"No, I'LL protect you!" Nightcloud countered.

Leafpool hissed. "You wanna tussle?"

"YEAH!" Leafpool and Nightcloud became a whirling whirlwind of fur and claws, and Crowfeather was left unprotected. He gulped.

_And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike_

_You know it's a thriller, thriller night_

Crowfeather screamed as a monster truck driven by Silverfeather and Frostclaw ran him over.

_You're fighting for your life inside a thriller, killer night_

Tornsight snuck through the trees dressed in cameo, a hunting rifle slung over her shoulder. She was hunting Blackstar—who miraculously survived the bricks.

_You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run_

_You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun_

"FOR LOVE!" Tornsight shot the unsuspecting Blackstar five times.

"HA, YOU FOOL!" She danced on his body. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DUMP TORNSIGHT!"

_You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!_

_But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind_

_You're out of time_

Stealthclaw and Jayfeather gave each other a nod and sprang out of the bushes at Lionblaze. "REVENGE IS MINE!" Jayfeather screeched.

"Ow—ow—ow—ow—ow—ow," Lionblaze yelled as Jayfeather and Stealthclaw repeatedly hit him on the head with Mr. Sticky.

Back on the stage, members of The Angry She-Cat Club were dancing on stage, and Dapplesong was off to the side helping Squirrelflight beat Brambleclaw up.

"GO MICHEAL JACKSON!" Icepaw and Sorreltail screeched. They started break dancing, and Leopardstar—after, of course, killing Onestar—began crowd-surfing.

'_Cause this is thriller, thriller night_

_There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl_

"I never meant to insult you, dear!" Firestar cried as Sandstorm tied him to a tree and painted a target on him.

Sandstorm ignored him and called out to the line of waiting she-cats: "Five mice to throw a knife at the famous Firestar!"

"Ooh, let me!" Dapplesong handed twenty mice to Sandstorm and Sandstorm gave her four knives.

_Thriller, thriller night_

_You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight_

Firestar said his last prayer to StarClan as Dapplesong aimed at the big red dot painted on Firestar's chest.

"One…two…THREE!" Dapplesong threw the first knife, which hit the tree trunk.

Firestar breathed a sigh of relief.

"I STILL HAVE THREE MORE!" Dapplesong screamed.

"DappleSONG! DappleSONG!" Featherpaw and Mistyfoot chanted.

_Night creatures calling, the dead start to walk in their masquerade _

_There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time_

Dapplesong threw two more knives and missed.

"I will get you, Firestar!" she screeched as she prepared to throw the last knife.

_They're open wide_

The fourth knife flew through the air and hit Firestar squarely in the heart.

_This is the end of your life_

"YES!" Dapplesong yelled. "I have killed the great Firestar! Bow down to me!" She grabbed Brackenfur—who had just joined The Angry She-Cats Club for no apparent reason—and disappeared.

_They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side_

_They will possess you, until you change that number on your dial_

Breezepelt gulped as Frostclaw, Silverdew, Moonlight, and Russetfur surrounded him.

"DIE!" Silverdew screeched. The four she-cats attacked poor Breezepelt until he lay bleeding in the dirt.

_Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together, yeah_

_All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen_

_I'll make you see_

Ashfoot and Mousefur crept up on Webfoot and Longtail.

"One the count of three," Mousefur whispered. "One…two..three!" They jumped out—armed with spears—and attacked the poor elder toms.

_That this is thriller, thriller night_

'_Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try_

Heathertail and Willowshine turned the volume up and brought out giant speakers.

_THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

_SO LET ME HOLD YOU TIGHT AND SHARE A _

_KILLER, DILLER, CHILLER, THRILLER HERE TONIGHT_

Foxpaw tiptoed through the trees, with Flamepaw, Tigerpaw, and Pebblepaw following close behind. "I think I found a place to hide," he whispered, leading them into an abandoned fox den.

"SURPRISE!" Minnowpaw screamed, as she, Sedgepaw, and Dawnpaw sprang out and mauled the tom apprentices.

'_CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

_GIRL, I CAN THRILL YOU MORE THAN ANY GHOST WOULD EVER DARE TRY_

Sandstorm gathered five mice from Amberthorn, who was given a knife to throw into Firestar's body.

Amberthorn screamed, "TAKE THAT, KITTYPET!" as the knife hit—and stuck in—his eye. Sandstorm and other waiting she-cats applauded as Firestar's eye squirted eye juice.

Ew.

_THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

_SO, LET ME HOLD YOU TIGHT AND SHARE A KILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

Leopardstar gathered up a group of the Angry She-Cats.

"We are nearing victory!" she announced.

"Victory, yah, yah," Rowanclaw—when did it show up?—meowed. It and Frostfeather began making out.

Tawnypelt growled and shot it with Tornsight's hunting rifle.

_DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE LAND_

_THE MIDNIGHT HOUR IS CLOSE AT HAND_

"Soon," Leopardstar hissed, punching the air, "she-cats will rule the Clans!"

"Go she-cats, go, go, go she-cats," Rowanclaw meowed.

_CREATURES CRAWL IN SEACRH OF BLOOD_

_TO TERRORIZE Y'ALLS NEIGHBORHOOD_

Stealthclaw and Silverdew chased Voletooth through RiverClan territory. Voletooth cried with exhaustion, then collapsed.

"Take THAT, cowardly vermin!" Stealthclaw hissed as she and Silverdew tore his head off.

_THE FOULEST STENCH IS IN THE AIR_

_THE FUNK OF FOURTY THOUSAND YEARS_

Heathertail and Willowshine kept dancing.

_AND GRIZZLY GHOULS FROM EVERY TOMB_

_ARE CLOSING IN TO SEAL YOUR DOOM_

Bleeding, and on his last life, Onestar—who Leopardstar gaped at seeing alive—dragged himself over to Sandstorm, Spark, Leopardstar, and all the other Angry She-Cats.

"The toms and defender she-cats surrender!" he gasped out. "We have lost more than half of our cats!"

Spark—who had caused the deaths of many of those more than half cats, evilly grinned and patted her giant machine gun.

"We did it, Dolores," she said fondly.

Back on the stage, Heathertail and Willowshine had collapsed from dancing exhaustion.

The last tunes of "Thriller" were playing.

_AND THOUGH YOU FIGHT TO STAY ALIVE_

_YOUR BODY STARTS TO SHIVER_

_FOR NO MERE MORTAL CAN RESIST_

_THE EVIL OF THE THRILLER............_

Spark led the way to a nearby bar to buy the victorious she-cats drinks—nothing alcoholic for the Junior Members, of course.

Hours later, most of the club members were drunk and snoring in their chairs. Spark, meanwhile, had gone back to the lake and revived all the dead toms and she-cats.

There was one thing she couldn't resist though. As Firestar was revived from the RBT, Spark tied him to a tree, painted a target on his chest, and gathered up some knives.

"Take that! And that!"

"OW!"

"THIS IS SO FUN!"

"OH MY STARCLAN, DON'T THROW IT THERE!"

And thus the Clans were restored to normal, until the next episode of The Random Factor.

*

**So, was it okay? Special thanks goes to **brackenfurlover** for helping me with the song decision.**

**And I WILL update faster next time! Thanks for waiting.**

**Ciao—**

**LenzieKat**


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